this morning i woke up at 4am and i had a strange thought. i wondered if i was dead. or...rather...if i had died but come back while i was sleeping. everything seemed strange, crisp, electric. i could smell and feel and sense everything. the hair stood up on my arms and the back of my neck and when i put my feet on the floor i could feel the cold of the wood shoot like lightning all through me. i mean, this could just be some side effect. i started taking a cocktail of pain pills and sleeping pills and i would just write or watch a movie untill i passed out. right now it's 2 methadones and 4 melatonins. i'll have to up the dosage soon as my body tends to get used to meds quickly. i don't know what i'm going to do when they put me on antidepressants. the more the merrier i guess. i don't dream when i take the cocktail. at least i don't remember the dreams i have if i have them. that's the best part. all my dreams are nightmares these days and if i don't set alarms, i'll sleep for days (symptom). there's nothing worse than a nightmare you can't wake up from.
anyway. there's no real way of proving if i died or not. i just got that feeling. i don't know.
i'm not really sure of anything anymore.